Strong..?

Is that even possible? Is that something I can be?

Tonight, in what I like to call an "icky" mood, I confided in a very good friend that I was feeling shit scared of going back to my first lecture tommorow. I haven't been to a lecture since very early this year - I find them terrifying. I told my friend I am seriously considering just not going tommorow, and spending another day indoors. His answer? No.

Apparently - I am to be "strong", I am to go and sit near the front, as near to the door as possible so that if I feel the need to leave, I can do it.

Is that something I want to do? Yes and no. I want to break from the anxiety, but - funnily enough - I'm too scared to. In breaking free from it, you have to produce more anxiety at first and that's the part that I don't like, unsure of how to cope. I know I've got to break it - because I want to be normal. I want to go to lectures and complain about how boring, and not how frightening, they are. I want to go to the pub, get blind drunk and not spend the night worrying about losing control or alcohol poisoning.

I need to be strong to break free from it though - and that's what I'm unsure of. Do I have strength? Hugs*, my mum and Daffodil* think so. Daffodil said it was more of a case of inner strength that I have to look for - she said I must have it to get from age whatever up until now, without too many negative effects. It's just a shame that Posy* then undid everything Daffodil had said - by saying not only had I not coped well, but I was an added burden to my mum, an additional stress for my mum to deal with and I was abnormal and maybe I should get checked out again; only this time by a pyschologist. She pointed out that she liked to compare me to others my own age - and that whilst they were normal, I wasn't. I don't drink (I'm teetotal), I don't go out at night and I get a bit anxious/moody at times. She said she could understand why - but it still didn't make me normal.

What's surprising is that you would expect Posy of all people to know that normality doesn't exist. There's no "typical" or "average" when it comes to people and behaviour - we're all unique. Posy herself has actually pointed that out many times before. So it's beyond baffling that she would then contradict herself a year later and state that there's a normality that we're all expected to adhere to, and if we don't then we're strange, mentally ill and abnormal.

Daffodil of course said that's shit - and that Posy doesn't know what she's talking about, and that I should ignore her altogether.

Plus there's the other side - most "normal" people won't ever have to go through what I have. Even Posy acknowledged that - and pointed out that it might well have something to do with why I am the way I am.

Difficult to ignore someone though when you still have feelings of (mild, broken in parts) trust, and (wrong) friendship towards them. Very difficult indeed.

But to the lecture tommorow, I'll hopefully go. Might take my phone with me, might even borrow someone's laptop for the duration; play Angry Birds for the entire session.

Might smuggle my cat in. Keep him in my handbag and just dip in occasionally for nosey kisses - as I pretend to be searching frantically for a pen. The meows might give away our secret - but then I could always argue that a side effect of the escit. is to make random mewing sounds when I feel content?
I don't know. What I do know, is that I am bloody shattered, waiting for my sister go to sleep and then heading that way myself.

As my weird Italian friend on facebook says,

Ciao...

x

*Please be aware: Nobody's real names are going in - if you recognise yourself then fine, but I'm not telling the world who everyone is.